We began this blog on a personal note, maybe not quite our story, but the story of our mother. Our father was sick with cancer, and neither he nor my mother could face the truth and have the hard conversation. He died, she was in a fog, left to figure out what is where.
When we are healthy and busy with our lives, death seems nebulous, far away, but what should you do if you find yourself in a situation where your loved one is likely to die. How should you handle the hard conversations, if there has been no planning..
Here, Jane Duncan Rogers, discusses how she had worked with her husband, as he was dealing with stomach cancer. She called it, “Our Last Project Together”. Her husband was afraid of death, but he clearly knew he needed to answer some questions. It took them two hours, and I am guessing they did not cover every item that might have made her life easier once her husband passed, but they did manage to get through a great deal. She recalls that time as a happy experience, one that helped her a great deal after her husband passed. In her post, she offers up some suggestions on how to get that conversation going.
https://www.nextavenue.org/partner-is-dying/
And that’s it. I googled away, trying different searches to see if there was any advice out there. I am always convinced that I can find the answers to whatever I am thinking and sometimes I cannot. When I typed in, “My spouse is dying, how to discuss needed financial information,” Google provided me with a whole list of articles on what to do after your spouse dies. Ahhhhh, not helpful. Chatgpt was actually somewhat better. It was quite long, so I won’t include it, but it contained items like choosing the right place and time to using “I” statements, active listening, and making sure you know ahead of time topics to cover. It was not bad.
Here is my suggestion, I am a fairly direct person, empathic, but not a cuddler. Clearly this conversation will not be fun, but jeez it’s a whole lot easier to have before you have to have it!
First, tell your spouse now, tell your loved ones now, get your act together. It will only take you a few hours and you will save people an enormous amount of time and headache. When people are healthy, it’s easier to be focused and realistic. The Electronic Guardian is a great way to get organized and your house in order. You will feel better knowing that your loved ones will not have to worry or stress about when you are gone. I, of course, use The Electronic Guardian. First and foremost, to ensure that my family is protected and taken care of when I pass and yes, I will die someday, maybe even tomorrow. Second, my work colleagues. There is information that I manage and store and I want to ensure it is readily available if I pass. I spent five – fifteen-minute sessions to get the critical and basic information uploaded and organized. Sure, there are some details that I will deal with
from time to time, but I know, I have made it a whole lot easier on my loved ones and colleagues when I pass.
If your spouse, partner, friend is dying, then know you should have the conversation. Yes, be compassionate and loving, but being direct is a sign of respect.
“I need your help and this won’t be easy, but we need to discuss some topics on the financial side, so that I can make sure that I have all the information I need, just in case.” ChatGPT suggested the right plan go through everything you own, understand where all documents, information is located and once you have finished the initial review, ask is there anything you are missing. Next, obtain user names and passwords, making sure you have access to their telephone, social media accounts, computer, bank accounts and alarm systems. Create a list of the people that need to be contacted, for example, who handles the life insurance? And as Jane did in the article above, do not shy away from the funeral, “How would you like to be buried? Should any music be played?” and so on. In the end, you and your spouse, partner or friend will feel better, knowing their wishes and financial planning have been implemented.
From my favorite movie, Love Actually –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tJbXSiuRdE&t=76s